A little over 9 years ago I came down with what felt like the flu. I slept for about 4 days straight, but I never got a fever. I woke up and felt sick to my stomach and a little "weird".
I decided to take a pregnancy test, and was VERY shocked to see it show me the little plus sign indicating 'positive'. I had no idea what to do. I wasn't working, and had only ever had a couple of jobs, since I had just turned 18 a few months prior. I wasn't in a good place in my life at all- with my living conditions, and the people I was cohabiting with, with finances, and options... it just wasn't a good place. Despite it all, I had no desire to abort the pregnancy. I have always been pro-choice, and did consider the option, but decided that I couldn't go through with it, despite what problems I would have to face.
I, luckily, got on state insurance, and got me an OBGYN. I had all of the 'routine' prenatal care, all of the tests, an ultrasound, and even found out the sex. I was measured a week before her due date, and my belly was coming up a little small, so they ordered another ultrasound. Turned out there was almost no amniotic fluid, so for her safety, I was induced on my daughter's due date. I had an epidural, which was the most painful thing I've ever volunteered to have done, but, again, I figured it was just something that everyone did, so I did it too. My girl was in a bit of distress during labor, and her heart rate kept dropping below 50 BPM. The doc was worried, and told me that if it dropped one more time, we would need to consider an emergency C-section. I was very scared, and very alone. There were a few people there for me, but I didn't really want them there, so I felt very alone.
I didn't have internet back then, so I simply trusted what the doctors were telling me. Luckily, we didn't need the c-section, and with a little help from a vacuum, he was able to get her out.
6 lb 8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. She was so perfect. None of those other things mattered... I wanted them gone, but I didn't think much about them. All that mattered was her. I breastfed from day 1, and it was just awesome.
As she grew, I took her to the pediatrician when I was supposed to, and did everything I was told to do. She had all of her vaccinations, on their schedule, started baby cereal at 3ish months, and baby food at 6 months. I stopped breastfeeding at 12 months, and continued her vaccinations like I was told.
At some point between 1 1/2 and 2 years old I took her to the pediatrician for a routine check up. She went ballistic. Screamed, fought, cried, kicked.. just a complete and total meltdown. The pediatrician told me this was not normal behavior, so she began talking to me about other milestones and behaviors. We had her evaluated and was given the diagnosis "Autism Spectrum Disorder". I never felt anything with the diagnosis. I've heard many women say they were 'shocked' or they 'grieved' over finding out their child had autism... but I never did. I instantly accepted the diagnosis and just went with it. I didn't have to 'deal' with any emotions linked to it. I just wanted to know what to do next.
She was set up with in home speech and occupational therapists. She was progressing well with them, and I went on to have my second child. I did everything the same as I did with my first, other than finding out the sex of this baby.
Being that I was 2-3 hours from the hospital I was scheduled to deliver at, I got induced once again. This time, it was a boy. And again, I followed all the 'rules' and did what everyone said I needed to do. He was vaccinated from the get go, all of them, on their schedule.
After some time, I noticed a few interesting and odd behaviors/developments with him, but didn't think too much of it, and went on to have a third child.
The whole time, my daughter was having her own issues with textures and speech mostly. I learned that she has trouble understanding feelings- mainly those of others. She couldn't understand that when she took a toy from her brother, it would make him mad and hurt his feelings. She only understood that she wanted the toy and there wasn't any reason she couldn't have it.
When she did start saying words, she would say, "mommy" but it wasn't directed at me. Both mommy and daddy were 'mommy' and both of us were 'daddy'. She had no conception of titles. When her baby brother came along, we tried to teach her the word 'brother'. 'Jeremy' was much too difficult for her, so we were working on 'brother'. 'Bubby' was what came out instead of 'brother' so we just let it stick. Even at 6 years old he's still nicknamed "Bubby".
She and Bubby were put into daycare, and it was a DAILY struggle to drop her off. She would scream and scream and crawl into a corner and not let anyone touch her for upwards of an hour. And while in daycare, she had trouble playing with the other children, and when it was story time the children were to go sit on a floor mat made of astroturf, and she would scream and kick and fight. As long as they let her stay off the astroturf she was fine, but try to get her on it and it was insane. I explained to them that she was autistic when we enrolled her, but they apparently had more trouble dealing with her than they thought they would. She bit other children. And not just a little nibble. She bit as hard as she could. And I'd get a phone call at work to come pick her up. The third time she bit a child, she drew blood. I didn't know what to do, but they told me I couldn't bring her back. Luckily, we talked to her occupational therapist about it, and she gave us a little rubbery hand held toy that was 'flesh textured' to encourage her to bite on it when she felt frustrated. It did help, but didn't completely fix the problem.
She turned 4 in 2006 and was no longer eligible for federally funded therapy. She would have to be enrolled into a preschool to continue receiving aid. Unfortunately, there was only one preschool that provided therapies in my county, and there was a waiting list. AND she would have to be potty trained before she could enroll. This was another struggle we dealt with. She just didn't understand the toilet. And, being that she was my first child, and I was alone in the ordeal, as my hubby was an over the road truck driver, it was a very long process.
I did finally get her potty trained, but we never did get her enrolled in the preschool. I put her, with my son, into another daycare when I changed jobs, and we stayed there until I got pregnant with my third child. I quit that job and took the children out of daycare. Hubby had also switched jobs, to one where he was home every night and every weekend except for the occasional saturday. He was making good money, and we decided that 3 children in daycare wouldn't be feasible on our income. The money I would bring in would only cover daycare fees and gas money for me to drive back and forth. So I became a stay at home mom.
It's been a long road. There were rough patches where I didn't understand what was going on with her, and it caused me to lash out at her in anger. I know now she was punished for things that she had no control over. Like many onlookers, I believed she was just misbehaving.
Since I've had the internet and been more exposed to information about autism, I've learned a LOT. And, while I know I did the best I thought I could do at the time, I still feel guilty and regretful about not having the patience and understanding with her that I should have during her younger years.
She's 8 1/2 years old now. She still can not understand others' feelings. Especially when her 'friends' don't like her. She loves everyone- especially other children. She sees people she likes and greets them with a hug. Many of the children her age don't know how to handle that, but have, so far, seemed to take it in stride, with maybe a funny look on their face. When other kids are mean to her, she is deeply hurt. She doesn't understand, and really, there's no way for me to help her understand. I try, I don't let her hurt alone, I try to comfort her, but she just doesn't get it. She only sees love and fun and happiness. She can't comprehend that other kids don't always feel that same way.
She also still has meltdowns pretty often. When she doesn't understand why she is being punished, before I get a chance to fully explain it to her, she completely loses it.
She has trouble eating certain foods because of their texture, but she's really good about cleaning her plate nonetheless.
She's homeschooled because of this. The principal at the ONLY public school here seems completely clueless about mild autism. Sissy isn't a savant. She doesn't NEED to be in the special needs class all day long. But there are a few areas that she needs extra help with. She needs a break from the stimulation. She has a meltdown when she gets frustrated about not understanding what she's supposed to be doing. And her principal told me that she was 'spoiled' and needed to learn that she wasn't going to get her way just by throwing a fit. So, rather than fight with this woman, who had no desire to help my child, I homeschool her.
We've got a long road ahead of us. I am worried about her teenage years, when she starts to date, how boys will respond to her... and how she'll respond to them. Hopefully, with God's guidance I can keep her on a good path, and she can find a good Christan boy who will take care of her, and understand her, and love her no matter what.
