Funny how at night I lay in bed, can't get to sleep, so I figure I'll try and read some stuff on the internet or play a game on my computer to attempt to make me tired... it rarely works. So I stay up til some ungodly middle of the night hour, generally after 2 but before 6, and wake up at some late morning hour, generally after 7:30 but before 10. Then I go through my day, doing chores, cooking food, taking care of my babes, taking care of my grandfather, just doing what needs to be done. And usually some time between 7PM and 9PM I am so tired I could just fall right on over. It sometimes happens right after I finish eating dinner, other times it waits til after I get dinner cleaned up. At that time I think to myself, it's a bit early to put the kids to bed now, because they'll be up at 5 and I will want to lock them in a cage, so I can't let myself fall asleep now... but I can try and go to bed early, I'll go to sleep when they do between 9 and 10.
But sleep doesn't come. I'm not tired between 9 and 10. However, I get in bed anyway. And I lay here, and lay here, and lay here. Bored and exhausted, but not sleepy.
And the cycle continues... up until 2 or 3 or 4, awake at 7 or 8 or 9.
The one benefit of my insomnia is that my scouring the internet has given me many great ideas for things I want to accomplish.
I think I want a table saw.
But for now the circular will have to do.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Reconnecting
I'm 28 1/2 years old.
It's taken me that long to learn that I am a jealous, possessive person. And not just about my husband. I mean, obviously when he tells me about talking to women at work I get a little pain in my stomach.. but I believe that is normal for any married woman. We SHOULD care that our men spend time with other women when they're not with us.
But I'm also jealous and possessive about my very close friends.
And there's only been 2 in my life that have earned my jealousy.
As silly as it is, I get jealous when they hang out with other women... almost the same kind of pain when my husband does. I know, it's silly... I can't expect them to not have other friends besides me. I shouldn't care that they are hanging out and doing fun things with other women and not me. But it's hard not to.
Silly, I know. Maybe it's a maturity thing... I don't know. And maybe I'll never grow out of it. But I have to learn to deal with it. Like dealing with my bi-polar disorder. I just have to pay attention to my triggers, control to my emotions, and use some techniques to block my bad feelings.
It's especially important because I am reconnecting with the 1 of those 2 women who I haven't spoken to in years.
It would be stupid of me to expect her to not have any close friends, especially since we haven't talked in years. But I also can't help that my heart aches to hear about her spending time with other women.
Idiotic, right?
Yes, I know.
But I'm super glad to be reconnecting anyway. I have really missed her. And missed out on her and her life.
So now I just have to deal with my jealousy and be happy that I am blessed enough to have her back in my life.
It's taken me that long to learn that I am a jealous, possessive person. And not just about my husband. I mean, obviously when he tells me about talking to women at work I get a little pain in my stomach.. but I believe that is normal for any married woman. We SHOULD care that our men spend time with other women when they're not with us.
But I'm also jealous and possessive about my very close friends.
And there's only been 2 in my life that have earned my jealousy.
As silly as it is, I get jealous when they hang out with other women... almost the same kind of pain when my husband does. I know, it's silly... I can't expect them to not have other friends besides me. I shouldn't care that they are hanging out and doing fun things with other women and not me. But it's hard not to.
Silly, I know. Maybe it's a maturity thing... I don't know. And maybe I'll never grow out of it. But I have to learn to deal with it. Like dealing with my bi-polar disorder. I just have to pay attention to my triggers, control to my emotions, and use some techniques to block my bad feelings.
It's especially important because I am reconnecting with the 1 of those 2 women who I haven't spoken to in years.
It would be stupid of me to expect her to not have any close friends, especially since we haven't talked in years. But I also can't help that my heart aches to hear about her spending time with other women.
Idiotic, right?
Yes, I know.
But I'm super glad to be reconnecting anyway. I have really missed her. And missed out on her and her life.
So now I just have to deal with my jealousy and be happy that I am blessed enough to have her back in my life.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
A fresh start
Well, I've relocated, and we've FINALLY got a house to rent! I'm excited about the house, no doubt, but relief is probably a larger feeling than that.
Southern Texas is apparently more full of oil and other minerals than I ever knew! There's so many truckers down here moving oil from the earth to the ocean, this small city is overflowing! And most of the workers don't plan to be here for long, so they just rent houses. Many of them have homes and families in other states, whom they never get to see. But it's understandable... you've gotta go where the money is.
After our vow renewal ceremony in April, Hubby and I prayed and prayed about getting out of Montana. He had resigned from his position, which was an admirable choice in my eyes, as it saved his morals, so we were no longer tied down by his employment. And I was tired of the cold. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy winter. I do love to play in the snow with my children. But 9 months out of the year is just more than I can bare. So I was ready to head south, and Hubby was more than obliging.
Obliviously I searched the internet for jobs for him in Texas, Kansas, and even New Mexico. He had options in North Dakota, but that was Plan B, for not only would we have to continue living in Montana, he would be away from us for at least 2 weeks at a time before he could come visit. I've had my husband away from me because of work before... for very long stretches of time... I do not wish to do that anymore. If I HAVE to, I will.. but I won't like it!
Finally I found him this job. He had the qualifications, they wanted him, and even provided a relocation bonus. It was a bit further south than I was expecting to go, but I was enamored at the idea of living so close to the ocean!
Our fresh start was under way!
We know absolutely nobody in this area, and really only one person in the whole state of Texas! And I'm now 6 hours away from her! But, that's a lot better than 2 days! So a fresh start it truly was.
We moved down here in May, found a place to park our RV, and have been living out of it since. Now you will just have to imagine 5 small children, 2 adults, and 2 Saint Bernards living in an area of about 300 ft2, because trying to describe the sardine can I feel I've been living in for the last 3 months is not something I'm actually capable of doing well. I can tell you that the kids have their own room with 2 bunks and a bed on the floor at one end of the camper, and we have a queen sized bed on the opposite end, and there is a full bathroom, dining table, small couch, and tiny kitchen in the middle. Fortunately the dinette/couch are on one slide out, and the kids bedroom is also on a slide out, so it does help open it up quite a bit... which really just gives the dogs a place to lay as we step over top of them to get from one spot to another. And oh, if only they would just lay STILL!! What is it about dogs (or maybe just MY dogs) that as soon as my brain silently calculates the exact spot my foot should land so as not to step on anything but floor, it sends the signals to the muscles in my legs to move, and as I'm almost at my target THEY MOVE! Generally directly into that spot. Or I'll go to step over them as they are laying down with their heads nuzzled sweetly on the floor, and as I pass one leg over their massive bodies, they lift their heads! Or worse- attempt to stand up!!! Apollo is tall enough that when he does decide to sporadically stand up as I'm straddling him in this manner, that he actually lifts my feet from the ground. It's not a nice surprise to be walking along and then suddenly find yourself on horseback.
A couple of weeks ago hubby and I had a pretty stressful dispute. It wasn't really a fight or an argument... but he sure pissed me off. We needed a breather from one another... from the whole situation. During the 3 day breather, which actually wound up being exactly what we needed, as we have been closer than ever since then, I decided that I needed to step up my house hunting game.
Due to the influx of employees in this area, there is a housing shortage. And what houses are available are ridiculously priced. Who decided that a 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment should be worth $1200 a month in rent? I'd sure like to punch that guy in the face. And honestly, it makes no sense to me to move my massive family into something that small for that price, when we have a perfectly good, brand spankin new camper to live in for $1000 less per month.
The beginning of the month was coming up, so I figured it was a good time to start really searching again. We had a few leads from guys he works with, and made a few dead end phone calls. Then the idea hit me to look in San Antonio, which is about 100 miles north of here. Surely there were more options in such a large city? Indeed there were. I began getting spoiled at the thought of living in such a beautiful home for a decent price. Unfortunately Hubby would have to continue living in the camper and drive up to visit on his days off.
Then a new issue came up. My grandfather, who has MS, was hospitalized. This was the first time I've known him to be in a hospital for more than an outpatient thing ... for as long as I can remember. It really worried me. Not just because of his high percentage of death. But because that high percentage of death is there, and I haven't spent enough time with him. My children haven't gotten to know him. He's all alone out there with no family and a handful of friends.
We had toyed with the idea of him moving closer to us (as there's no way either Hubby or myself could conceive of living in Southern California) but he can't handle the cold of the north. But we're not in the cold of the north anymore!
So Hubby and I talked for a few days and decided that we wanted to invite him to come live with us. We still had no home, and really no place for him to live unless we rented him an apartment, but if I could just find a house in San Antonio big enough..... So I prayed. And then I talked to him. And I decided that if this was the route God wanted us to take, grandpa would say yes. And then God would give us a suitable house. And if this was not what God wanted us to do, grandpa would say no, and we would most likely continue living in this camper until some time in 2013.
Grandpa said yes.
So the race was on to get a house. We looked at 3 in San Antonio on Saturday, and interestingly the one I had picked for my #1 choice based on what I found online became my #3 choice after we actually saw them. Indeed looks can be deceiving. My second choice was bumped up to the #1 slot, but there was still one more house to check out. I really believed it was THE ONE. I prayed and prayed, had a couple of small anxiety attacks and one stomach churning, head slamming, palm sweating huge panic attack. We were to look at the house on Tuesday. Monday night I did not sleep. The floor plan sounded perfect. The house was huge. The price, while in our higher range of affordability, was doable with a lot of penny pinching. We went and saw the house. The HOUSE WAS PERFECT. Master suite on the main floor, 2nd bedroom and 2nd bathroom on the main floor, formal dining room that would perfectly suit my homeschool room, an eat in kitchen overlooking a golf course, and then upstairs 2 more bedrooms, another full bathroom, and a loft with a closet- perfect for a craft and play room. Additionally there was a 2 car attached garage that was set up differently than most so that it didn't actually take away from the square footage of the house. The house was PERFECT. The HOA rules were annoying, but something I was willing to deal with in order to live there. The property manager promised to email me the application the following morning and it would be approved or disapproved within a day. Everything was really falling into place.
Wednesday morning she called me and informed me that she had forgotten something. The house was also up for sale. The owner was attempting to get it sold to an investor. The stipulations of the lease were that the lease had to be honored. We would either live there for the entire year, or if the new owners wanted us out early they had to pay for our relocation- even help find us a new house and pay the new deposit with our old deposit! The strings attached were that I would be required to have the house in "show condition" at all times, so that any time they called they could come show the house 24 hours later. After about an hour of crying, praying, talking it out, thinking of pros and cons, and hating the whole situation, I decided to let the house go. My perfect house... with a not so perfect contract. We had a Plan B once again. A 3 bedroom, 1 bath house in Port Lavaca. 10 minutes from the beach and half the rent. Plus being so close to Victoria, hubby could live with us! So we called the landlady, who was actually also a property manager, not the owner, and she rudely informed us that we could go look at the house, but she didn't feel like driving down there so we'd have to look through the windows... which doesn't help me out at all! I'm TOTALLY a hands on kind of gal. She ALSO informed us that that house was ALSO up for sale, and there were interested buyers coming to see it later in the week, and if they were going to buy it, we had no chance. Not very comforting. She suggested to Hubby that we check in the local paper because she had seen 3 houses in there for rent. So we packed up, drove the 30 minutes to Port Lavaca, and checked the house out. Once again, looks are very deceiving. The pictures online made the driveway look super long. So very much NOT the case! My Excursion barely fit in the sucker! AND there was no central air! I loathe window units. Once again, if I HAVE to have them, I will just deal, but they seriously irritate me.
I was still heartbroken over the house in San Antonio, and was just getting used to the idea of settling for this itty bitty 788 ft2 house, when I remembered that we had slim chances of even getting into it anyway. So we grabbed a newspaper and started hunting for these houses for rent.
I called a couple, they were already gone, but they had these marvelous 3 bedroom, 1 bath mobile homes for rent for only $1100 a month!! No thanks. And it's not that I have anything against mobile homes- I have lived in 2, and am technically living in one right now... it's VERY mobile!! But the garbage they attempt to pass off down here as a livable mobile and expect people to pay their outrageous prices.... it's not even worth the gas it would have taken to drive the hour to get there from where we were. NEXT.
So Hubby found one other, a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom house right there in Victoria. Again, the price was a bit high, but we would all fit, and Hubby could live with us- so no commuting. To my surprise the house was still available. We went and looked at it. It's an older house, which is fine by me. Large back yard that is fenced in, and even a huge side yard we are welcome to use and park our camper and trailer in so long as we mow the grass! And the landlord is a peach! Super nice guy! He even asked my opinion about the flooring! I've never given my opinion on flooring in my life- and certainly never thought I would for a rental home!
I filled out the application right away and he told us to call him Thursday morning with the results. He only really cared about verifiable income and criminal background check. Both of which we pass with flying colors. So I knew that based on his application there wasn't any reason for him to deny us. But he still could if he wanted to.
But he didn't.
And we finally have a house!!!
We can't move in until next week because the painters just got done yesterday, and he won't be able to put the carpet in until Monday or Tuesday, but we sign the lease and pay the deposit tomorrow. He's kept good communication with us about it, and wants to talk to me when we sign the lease about where the carpet should stop in the living room, and the hardwood start in the dining room, and which bedrooms I want carpet in.
So, here we are. I'll be leaving on Sunday to head to California to pick up grandpa. I'll be back by Friday or Saturday, and we might be able to get in then- if not the following week for sure. Grandpa will just have to sleep on my couch for a couple of nights if that's the case- and he's totally fine with that.
It's amazing to me that no matter how stressed out I am, no matter how many things are topsy turvy and inside out, no matter what I think is the right choice... God is always in control. He just works in his own time. Believe that it TRULY is something that for 3 months not a single house has been available to us, but we found one inside of 2 hours when God was ready to give it to us.
And my fresh start continues. I'll be able to get back to sewing more regularly. My kids can play outside. I can grow my garden. I am so very, very blessed.
Southern Texas is apparently more full of oil and other minerals than I ever knew! There's so many truckers down here moving oil from the earth to the ocean, this small city is overflowing! And most of the workers don't plan to be here for long, so they just rent houses. Many of them have homes and families in other states, whom they never get to see. But it's understandable... you've gotta go where the money is.
After our vow renewal ceremony in April, Hubby and I prayed and prayed about getting out of Montana. He had resigned from his position, which was an admirable choice in my eyes, as it saved his morals, so we were no longer tied down by his employment. And I was tired of the cold. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy winter. I do love to play in the snow with my children. But 9 months out of the year is just more than I can bare. So I was ready to head south, and Hubby was more than obliging.
Obliviously I searched the internet for jobs for him in Texas, Kansas, and even New Mexico. He had options in North Dakota, but that was Plan B, for not only would we have to continue living in Montana, he would be away from us for at least 2 weeks at a time before he could come visit. I've had my husband away from me because of work before... for very long stretches of time... I do not wish to do that anymore. If I HAVE to, I will.. but I won't like it!
Finally I found him this job. He had the qualifications, they wanted him, and even provided a relocation bonus. It was a bit further south than I was expecting to go, but I was enamored at the idea of living so close to the ocean!
Our fresh start was under way!
We know absolutely nobody in this area, and really only one person in the whole state of Texas! And I'm now 6 hours away from her! But, that's a lot better than 2 days! So a fresh start it truly was.
We moved down here in May, found a place to park our RV, and have been living out of it since. Now you will just have to imagine 5 small children, 2 adults, and 2 Saint Bernards living in an area of about 300 ft2, because trying to describe the sardine can I feel I've been living in for the last 3 months is not something I'm actually capable of doing well. I can tell you that the kids have their own room with 2 bunks and a bed on the floor at one end of the camper, and we have a queen sized bed on the opposite end, and there is a full bathroom, dining table, small couch, and tiny kitchen in the middle. Fortunately the dinette/couch are on one slide out, and the kids bedroom is also on a slide out, so it does help open it up quite a bit... which really just gives the dogs a place to lay as we step over top of them to get from one spot to another. And oh, if only they would just lay STILL!! What is it about dogs (or maybe just MY dogs) that as soon as my brain silently calculates the exact spot my foot should land so as not to step on anything but floor, it sends the signals to the muscles in my legs to move, and as I'm almost at my target THEY MOVE! Generally directly into that spot. Or I'll go to step over them as they are laying down with their heads nuzzled sweetly on the floor, and as I pass one leg over their massive bodies, they lift their heads! Or worse- attempt to stand up!!! Apollo is tall enough that when he does decide to sporadically stand up as I'm straddling him in this manner, that he actually lifts my feet from the ground. It's not a nice surprise to be walking along and then suddenly find yourself on horseback.
A couple of weeks ago hubby and I had a pretty stressful dispute. It wasn't really a fight or an argument... but he sure pissed me off. We needed a breather from one another... from the whole situation. During the 3 day breather, which actually wound up being exactly what we needed, as we have been closer than ever since then, I decided that I needed to step up my house hunting game.
Due to the influx of employees in this area, there is a housing shortage. And what houses are available are ridiculously priced. Who decided that a 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment should be worth $1200 a month in rent? I'd sure like to punch that guy in the face. And honestly, it makes no sense to me to move my massive family into something that small for that price, when we have a perfectly good, brand spankin new camper to live in for $1000 less per month.
The beginning of the month was coming up, so I figured it was a good time to start really searching again. We had a few leads from guys he works with, and made a few dead end phone calls. Then the idea hit me to look in San Antonio, which is about 100 miles north of here. Surely there were more options in such a large city? Indeed there were. I began getting spoiled at the thought of living in such a beautiful home for a decent price. Unfortunately Hubby would have to continue living in the camper and drive up to visit on his days off.
Then a new issue came up. My grandfather, who has MS, was hospitalized. This was the first time I've known him to be in a hospital for more than an outpatient thing ... for as long as I can remember. It really worried me. Not just because of his high percentage of death. But because that high percentage of death is there, and I haven't spent enough time with him. My children haven't gotten to know him. He's all alone out there with no family and a handful of friends.
We had toyed with the idea of him moving closer to us (as there's no way either Hubby or myself could conceive of living in Southern California) but he can't handle the cold of the north. But we're not in the cold of the north anymore!
So Hubby and I talked for a few days and decided that we wanted to invite him to come live with us. We still had no home, and really no place for him to live unless we rented him an apartment, but if I could just find a house in San Antonio big enough..... So I prayed. And then I talked to him. And I decided that if this was the route God wanted us to take, grandpa would say yes. And then God would give us a suitable house. And if this was not what God wanted us to do, grandpa would say no, and we would most likely continue living in this camper until some time in 2013.
Grandpa said yes.
So the race was on to get a house. We looked at 3 in San Antonio on Saturday, and interestingly the one I had picked for my #1 choice based on what I found online became my #3 choice after we actually saw them. Indeed looks can be deceiving. My second choice was bumped up to the #1 slot, but there was still one more house to check out. I really believed it was THE ONE. I prayed and prayed, had a couple of small anxiety attacks and one stomach churning, head slamming, palm sweating huge panic attack. We were to look at the house on Tuesday. Monday night I did not sleep. The floor plan sounded perfect. The house was huge. The price, while in our higher range of affordability, was doable with a lot of penny pinching. We went and saw the house. The HOUSE WAS PERFECT. Master suite on the main floor, 2nd bedroom and 2nd bathroom on the main floor, formal dining room that would perfectly suit my homeschool room, an eat in kitchen overlooking a golf course, and then upstairs 2 more bedrooms, another full bathroom, and a loft with a closet- perfect for a craft and play room. Additionally there was a 2 car attached garage that was set up differently than most so that it didn't actually take away from the square footage of the house. The house was PERFECT. The HOA rules were annoying, but something I was willing to deal with in order to live there. The property manager promised to email me the application the following morning and it would be approved or disapproved within a day. Everything was really falling into place.
Wednesday morning she called me and informed me that she had forgotten something. The house was also up for sale. The owner was attempting to get it sold to an investor. The stipulations of the lease were that the lease had to be honored. We would either live there for the entire year, or if the new owners wanted us out early they had to pay for our relocation- even help find us a new house and pay the new deposit with our old deposit! The strings attached were that I would be required to have the house in "show condition" at all times, so that any time they called they could come show the house 24 hours later. After about an hour of crying, praying, talking it out, thinking of pros and cons, and hating the whole situation, I decided to let the house go. My perfect house... with a not so perfect contract. We had a Plan B once again. A 3 bedroom, 1 bath house in Port Lavaca. 10 minutes from the beach and half the rent. Plus being so close to Victoria, hubby could live with us! So we called the landlady, who was actually also a property manager, not the owner, and she rudely informed us that we could go look at the house, but she didn't feel like driving down there so we'd have to look through the windows... which doesn't help me out at all! I'm TOTALLY a hands on kind of gal. She ALSO informed us that that house was ALSO up for sale, and there were interested buyers coming to see it later in the week, and if they were going to buy it, we had no chance. Not very comforting. She suggested to Hubby that we check in the local paper because she had seen 3 houses in there for rent. So we packed up, drove the 30 minutes to Port Lavaca, and checked the house out. Once again, looks are very deceiving. The pictures online made the driveway look super long. So very much NOT the case! My Excursion barely fit in the sucker! AND there was no central air! I loathe window units. Once again, if I HAVE to have them, I will just deal, but they seriously irritate me.
I was still heartbroken over the house in San Antonio, and was just getting used to the idea of settling for this itty bitty 788 ft2 house, when I remembered that we had slim chances of even getting into it anyway. So we grabbed a newspaper and started hunting for these houses for rent.
I called a couple, they were already gone, but they had these marvelous 3 bedroom, 1 bath mobile homes for rent for only $1100 a month!! No thanks. And it's not that I have anything against mobile homes- I have lived in 2, and am technically living in one right now... it's VERY mobile!! But the garbage they attempt to pass off down here as a livable mobile and expect people to pay their outrageous prices.... it's not even worth the gas it would have taken to drive the hour to get there from where we were. NEXT.
So Hubby found one other, a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom house right there in Victoria. Again, the price was a bit high, but we would all fit, and Hubby could live with us- so no commuting. To my surprise the house was still available. We went and looked at it. It's an older house, which is fine by me. Large back yard that is fenced in, and even a huge side yard we are welcome to use and park our camper and trailer in so long as we mow the grass! And the landlord is a peach! Super nice guy! He even asked my opinion about the flooring! I've never given my opinion on flooring in my life- and certainly never thought I would for a rental home!
I filled out the application right away and he told us to call him Thursday morning with the results. He only really cared about verifiable income and criminal background check. Both of which we pass with flying colors. So I knew that based on his application there wasn't any reason for him to deny us. But he still could if he wanted to.
But he didn't.
And we finally have a house!!!
We can't move in until next week because the painters just got done yesterday, and he won't be able to put the carpet in until Monday or Tuesday, but we sign the lease and pay the deposit tomorrow. He's kept good communication with us about it, and wants to talk to me when we sign the lease about where the carpet should stop in the living room, and the hardwood start in the dining room, and which bedrooms I want carpet in.
So, here we are. I'll be leaving on Sunday to head to California to pick up grandpa. I'll be back by Friday or Saturday, and we might be able to get in then- if not the following week for sure. Grandpa will just have to sleep on my couch for a couple of nights if that's the case- and he's totally fine with that.
It's amazing to me that no matter how stressed out I am, no matter how many things are topsy turvy and inside out, no matter what I think is the right choice... God is always in control. He just works in his own time. Believe that it TRULY is something that for 3 months not a single house has been available to us, but we found one inside of 2 hours when God was ready to give it to us.
And my fresh start continues. I'll be able to get back to sewing more regularly. My kids can play outside. I can grow my garden. I am so very, very blessed.
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