Being a Christian can be hard.

As I'm sure you've read in other posts, we are a Christian family. We are non-denominational. We do not go to church very often. I have an incredibly hard time finding one that I like, agree with, and suits my spiritual needs, so I just don't go. For me, I'd rather not go and just keep God in my life, than go to one that I dislike or don't agree with. That just feels hypocritical to me. And when it comes to choosing a church, my most important issue is ME. I don't go for other people. I don't go just to fellowship (although that part is nice). I go because I need it. I do enjoy learning from the preachers, but I don't need to sit and be preached to about forgiveness. I'd much rather learn about stories in the Bible and the morals therein. I need my specific spiritual needs met, I don't honestly care at all about other people's spiritual needs when it comes to choosing a church for my family. If your church works for you, that is awesome for you and I am so happy for you. But I haven't found one that works for me.

So, we just do the best we can here at home. I don't read my Bible because to be honest it's just over my head. I do read children's Bible stories to my kids though, and that is nice!
 We pray a lot. Individually and as a family.

But mostly, we include God in every move we make. And that can be very hard.
God doesn't tell me what to do or which decision to make. I sure wish He did. But instead He closes doors, opens windows, and lets me figure out after the fact why He moved us down one path instead of the other.

And God seems like a procrastinator in my life. Nothing seems to happen, we're praying about a decision to make, and nothing is going on... then suddenly in the blink of an eye everything is happening all at once and changes are being made faster than I can sometimes handle. So it's like He just puts off and puts off and puts off... then realizes that the deadline is up and He has to move things around RIGHT NOW to get it done. LOL Kind of like I sometimes do in my life (flight of the bumble bee cleaning, anyone?)

Hubby and I are faced with another important, potentially life changing decision, and are seeking guidance from above... and as usual, there's just nothing.
Then some paperwork issue happened with his drivers license, so, as a Christian we look at that from 2 angles- angle 1: This is a test. angle 2: This is a shut door.

While I feel a certain way, I know I have to let this play out. People are going to be irritated at hubby, someone is going to be disappointed... but more importantly, our family will be hugely effected one way or the other. And our future really depends on this choice.
If he stays, we can follow through with our 5 year plan. In the mean time, he will be very absent from our family. There are things I can do, and DO to include him - nightly phone calls to the kids, driving out to see him and have dinner, etc. We will just miss him so much while he is at work.
If he goes, he will be home every day. But our 5 year plan will be gone, as his paycheck will be cut in half. We will likely not have a chance to leave this area for many years. Like Montana, we will be in the same place for 5+ years. We will not be able to buy a house. We will not be able to start our farm.

So what do we pick? Instant gratification of being a complete family now? Or future security and missing him 2 weeks at a time?
So many signs point to the latter.  But then there's two or three that pop up and say "no, just keep pushing through and you'll be moved to the other job". UGH.

I wish God would just TELL ME what to do. Just TELL ME where we are meant to be. Drives me nuts sometimes. I'm content with either decision, I just need to KNOW which choice to make.


You Know Better Than I

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I