Sometimes I hate... random rant.

Any time I think or say the words "I hate..." I always hear this little voice in my head saying "Oh, hate is such a strong word, you shouldn't use it". But you know what- I do. It may be a strong word, but it's a strong emotion. And I, personally, don't see the difference in saying "I hate this website because it's not loading right" or "I really dislike this website because it's not loading right"

Hate can be a long term or a short term emotion.
I hate my brother. Have for over a decade. Probably always will.
I hate my father. Have for almost a decade. Probably always will. I don't care that if it weren't for him I wouldn't be here. He's a bully and a jerk. I cannot stand him.
I hate when my dog follows me around the way he does. It drives me NUTS- GO LAY DOWN!! When he stops doing it, then I'll stop hating the fact that he does it.
I hate when I have to repeat myself 4 times for my child to hear what I'm saying. When they start paying attention, I'll stop hating the times they don't.

I hate myself. Very rarely do I find anything good about myself. Usually I don't try very hard, but that's usually because I find myself contradicting myself when I do.
Such as- "Ooh, this dress looks really cute" to which I reply "no it doesn't- I look like a beached whale because it shows off my gigantic fat rolls and the sleeves are too short so you can see my bat wings, and the skirt is too short so you can see my thunder thighs"
I can pick apart my entire body, and personality.

I hate that I get so impatient with my children.
I hate that I get frustrated when my daughter isn't trying during school.
I hate that I interrupt them when I don't mean to- and shouldn't! Considering I teach them it's not OK to interrupt.

I find myself finding things about myself to hate, which makes me feel like a horrible mother. I have never been good about thinking before speaking, so despite the fact I try hard not to degrade my children, I can snap at them pretty quick- and realize right after the words have slipped out that I shouldn't have said that. Or perhaps said it in a different way or tone.
I am quick to apologize and explain what I did wrong and why. But I feel like I should be able to stop it before it gets to the point of NEEDING to apologize. And I hate that I have such a hard time doing that.

Sometimes I hate other people.
I hate that my landlords care more about the jerk construction company in the lot next door than they do my family. And I hate the jerks that work for the construction company for endangering my children and dog, and trashing my yard and not caring about any of it.

Sometimes I hate money.
It's so hard to deal with. And it's always more going out than coming in.
And I hate that I can't find a place for us to buy that we want, like, will fit us, and we can afford. I know I'm crazy for wanting to double my shelter costs every month by buying a house, but I'm so sick and tired of dealing with landlord crap and other people in general. People who drive through my yard. People who hit my mailbox and demolish it. People who pull into my driveway to hide from the cops. People who work for the construction company. People who refuse to keep their outside animals confined. I have enough poop to clean up- I have a St. Bernard. I don't need to or want to clean up other animals' as well.

I hate people who think it's OK to have an "outside cat". Do you realize where your cat goes and what it does when it's not confined? Well here, let me tell you. It goes into other people's yards and uses their garden as a litter box. It climbs on top of other people's cars leaving trails of muddy cat prints all over the hood, windshield, and roof. It squeezes into any nook it can find to get in someplace warm- such as a garage, shed, or engine compartment of a vehicle. It gets into other people's trash shredding the plastic bags and pulling half of the contents out to get to the chicken bone, animal fat, or dirty diaper that is somewhere in there they want to eat. It sits in others yards and causes their dogs to run out of their yards because they want to chase them. It kills small rodents and leaves the carcasses on others porch or in their yard.
What is even the point of an outside cat? They have NO purpose whatsoever. You're too lazy to clean a litter box, maybe? You don't want your house smelling like ammonia, perhaps? Then maybe you should get a bird. Oh wait, please don't. Cause if it's too much trouble to scoop litter once a day, then you're just going to kill a bird.

I know God is working with me to deal with my patience and tolerance. But I have a long way to go. So in the meantime... sometimes I hate.