The Funk

Go pick up your husband's gym socks and take a big whiff.

Smell that?
That's funk.

But not the funk I'm talking about.

So go put those in a bucket of bleach water so they can soak.

The funk I'm talking about is like a rut in life. A dark place between the cracks of accomplishment that you sometimes get stuck in. Where it seems like nothing you've done has mattered, and nothing you do is going to succeed. Where every option for your next move feels wrong, and failure is coming in around you like a swimming pool cover you fell into.

The Funk.

I was at a MOPS meeting a few weeks ago, and the speaker talked about praying for our children's futures. Praying for what kind of people they will grow up to be. That we put all of our strength, devotion, love, encouragement, and being into these little people that we are molding in to productive members of society.

And the thought occurred to me.... what about me? What about my life? My life didn't end just because I had children. I can still be a productive member of society and a mom, can't I? What about what I'm supposed to be doing to make a difference? What I'm supposed to be doing to be productive? And not JUST raising children! Surely there's more that I have to offer this world than the continuation of life! But what?

Yes, I want to raise my children to be awesome followers of God and teach them life skills so that they can choose a career and raise a family without needing me to guide them every step of the way. Yes, I LOVE being a mother.
But I don't feel like that's all I am. I'm not satisfied just being a stay at home mom. I can't find fulfillment in cooking biscuits and gravy. I'm sure my mother didn't envision a future for me where the highlight of my day is bleaching the toilet because the 2 year old is potty training and still can't aim. Just as I hope and pray for more for my own children.

Is family important? Absolutely! But I just don't feel like it's the end of living.

Some women are happy just living day to day doing nothing but raising babies, cooking, and cleaning. And sometimes I am as well. But I need some stuff for me too.
And I can't help but think about my direction in life....and where I'm supposed to go.

I want to make a difference. I want to make an impact. I want to do more than just raise babies..
because one day those babies are going to be adults. And I will be alone. And then what? What will I have to show for my life? Sure... I raised some pretty awesome kids. But what about me? Is that all I'm good for?

*sigh*
I can't wait to get out of this funk.