Balancing the Bipolar Chaos

Hubby helps out when he can. He works a lot too, but he does do things for me around the house if I ask him to. He doesnt' mind watching the kids, but he gets short tempered with them as well, so I try to keep them with me as much as possible. He's been better lately, but his job really stresses him out and he brings that home with him.
I'm sorry your husband is an extra child... sometimes Hubby is like that, but fortunately less often than not. I know when he IS like that, it's a total pain in the ass, so I can't imagine having to deal with that constantly.
I feel guilty about the computer too. I was really absorbed in CWCB last year, and it got to the point that I pretty much had a mental breakdown because of it piled on top of everything else. That's when I disappeared for about a month- I think it was in November. I just lost my grasp on everything. And I wanted to kill myself. I just couldn't do anything it felt like. So I went to the hospital for about a week. And I HATE the hospital... with a burning passion. I can't say that it helped me completely. All I did while I was there was worry about my kids- but the break from having to take care of them 24 hours a day WAS helpful. Then when I came home I forced myself to stay away from the computer for another week... which actually turned into about 3 weeks LOL It was just nice not thinking about it. I felt like I had my own family to think about, but then had this online 'family' consisting of many of the CWCB girls that I was constantly thinking about as well. I was spreading myself too thin, and I got scared to jump back in.
But, I finally came back, and just pace myself. I try not to let myself just sit at the computer all day long. I break up my time. I even lost interest in CWCB for the last few months. I'll pop in here and there and do some reading, but with all the bullshit and drama and people fighting about dumb shit and whining about dumb shit, I just lost interest. Course- that's the bipolar in me. Losing interest in things that were once important.
I have considered putting my older 2 in public school. Sissy, my oldest, did go to PS in Kindergarten. Bubby would have started PS Kindy this past fall, but since I decided to homeschool I didn't have to enroll him through the state until this fall. PS Kindy starts at age 6, HS Kindy starts at age 7.
I'm really torn about school for several reasons. #1 I HAAAAAAAAAAATE the principal here. HATE her. Sissy is on the autism spectrum- she's high functioning, but has trouble with the social/emotional parts. She has meltdowns at the tiniest little thing. She can't help it though. However, this principal, at the end of the school year when I went in to pick up Sissy's stuff, told me that she was 'spoiled' and 'throws a fit anytime she doesnt' get what she wants'. I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. So I took her out and we've been homeschooling the last 2 years- she'll be going into third grade this fall.
Bubby has dyspraxia, which causes a lot of problems for him. Being that the speech therapist had never even heard of dyspraxia I am terrified of putting him into PS.... especially with this bitch of a principal. I mean, if she thinks an autistic meltdown is 'throwing a spoiled temper tantrum' what is she going to think of Bubby when he starts crying because he is so frustrated with himself when he can't write a letter properly. His muscles don't work right, and the signals between his brain and his nerves don't travel very fast. He can't hold his urine or stool, so when he says he has to go to the bathroom it's because he's about to pee on himself. And I know for a fact that the principal and teachers are pretty strict about bathroom breaks. I can't just let him go there and come home with accidents every other day because they are stupid abotu letting him go to the freaking bathroom.
So yeah ... I think for *ME* it would be better if my kids were in public school, but for them... it would be horrible. Not to mention with homeschool I dont' have to get up at 6AM. I HATE getting up early. It's just not my 'thing' lol. I'm too much of a night owl. And it's like, it doesn't matter if I go to bed at 10PM or 3AM, I still get up at the same time every day. Occasionally I'll wake up early just cause something woke me up and I decided to stay up, but the majority of the time 9AM-10AM is my wake up time, no matter when I go to bed. If I CAN get up earlier than that I can be a bitch.
I had to stop stressing about structure and perfection as well. It IS getting easier- so be optimistic about that. If the dishes aren't done at bedtime, it's OK. If the laundry gets behind, we'll survive. If I forget to vacuum today, no big deal. Everything can be done tomorrow. And you know what- my kids are stil happy and healthy no matter what. Whether I'm a total bitch to them because I"m stressed about chores, or whether I'm lax about my chores and am nicer to them- they're healthy and OK both ways.... they're just happier with a nicer mommy. They are more relaxed as well becaues I'm not breathing down their throat about cleaning their rooms, or disappointing them because I'm never able to do this or that with them because I HAVE to clean this or that.
It's SO much more important that I do GOOD things with THEM before I scrub the toilet. The house is a little messier, a little more cluttered, a little more disorganized, but honestly, I'm not the cleanest person in the world anyway, I'm not the most organized person in the world anyway, I was forcing myself to conform to this structure in order to keep up with this mental vision of how I *SHOULD* be. I was definitely putting a spotless house above a happy relationship with my kids, and nobody was ever happy. My kids were never happy cause I was always an uptight bitch, and I was never happy because I was always an uptight bitch. I was constantly stressed because there just weren't enough hours in the day to clean the house AND play with my kids. Something had to give. Something HAS to give.
I'm still trying to find a happy medium between everything. It's still chaotic around here, and I'm still not balanced. But I'm better. And better is good.

Extended Breast Feeding? Not exactly....

So I was laying in my bed asleep this morning, topless as usual. Having a 2 month old that breastfeeds and co-sleeps, being topless is just plain easier to not have to fiddle and fumble with shirts and bras. I've tried it off and on for years and lemme just say- sleeping with a bra on just plain sucks.

So I'm laying there more asleep than awake and my 2 year old came in and climbed on top of me to lay on me. This is not unusual for him, he's always loved skin to skin contact, and he's in nothing but a diaper more often than not.

After dozing back off with him laying on me, I was awakened by him suddenly latching on to my breast!
I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I didn't think he'd actually hang on and eat- I figured he'd suck a few times and be done with it. But I was shocked when he laid there for at least 20 minutes nursing away. Finally I sat up and held him for a little while. Then 2 children started asking me for cereal, and Becky started fussing on the bed behind me. So I had to make him unlatch- to which he protested loudly "Mommy, wait!"
I turned around and grabbed 7 and switched Tommy to the other breast and he latched right back on and ate for another 20-30 minutes.
Finally I had to make him just quit. I needed coffee, the older children needed food, I needed to pee, and let's face it, after 20 minutes of straight nursing my nipples weren't exactly very happy with me.
I did tell him he could have more later, but mama needed to get up now. He protested loudly, but I had no choice but to ignore him.

4 more times after that today he has nursed. I nursed him to sleep for his nap, then nursed him a couple times while Becky was nursing, then finally nursed him to sleep at bed time.

I must say, it's definitely strange. He's almost 26 months old, and weaned 1 year ago almost to the day! Oh, I forgot to mention- he's also 40 lbs and almost as tall as my 4 year old. I mean, he latches on and his head is hanging off one leg, then his butt is hanging off the other leg.
AND I can communicate with him, and he can communicate with me. Which is super different for me. I generally wean my babies between 12 and 16 months, and they can't really communicate with me in that time frame. So it's different being able to ask him "do you like it?" "are you getting milk?" and him actually reply.

While it is slightly odd that he suddenly decided to do this, I'm not going to deny him. I don't see any reason to. We may not do it in public, just because it's not a main source of nutrition for him, but I don't see anything wrong with having that time for us at home. And it's certainly not bad for him or harmful to him.

Unfortunately his latch isn't super great... I mean, it has been a year after all. He sucks, and gets milk, but he uses his teeth way too much, which kills me sometimes. But I've found that if I put something under my breast to support it while he eats he eases up a bit- which is ironic because that was what I had to do with him when I breastfed him before. He was super picky about how he had to hold his head and mouth while he ate.

We'll see if he keeps it up and if his latch gets any better.

Fishtail Family Fun Day!

Somewhere in the South East part of the state of Montana is a tiny town called Fishtail. Within that town there are 2 very sharp curves in the shape of an 'S'- so you have to be careful while navigating these extremely sharp curves, because if you concentrate too hard you'll miss the whole town.

Every year, this small town hosts an event called "Fishtail Family Fun Day". It's a day full of food, drinks, a petting zoo, a bounce house, water slide, duck race, raffle for a play house, a parade coined 'a two mile parade in a 1 block town', and vendors- lots of vendors!

About 6 weeks ago I just happened to be in City Hall paying my water bill and saw a flyer for the upcoming event. The flyer was selling vendor booths for the event.

You see, I'm not only a stay-at-home-mom, I'm a seamstress for my online store Daisies, and I'm a certified hygenist and dog groomer for my dog grooming shop Columbus Doggie Spa. So I figured this would be a great opportunity for me to spread the word about my Doggie Spa, and try to sell a few items from my Daisies shop I've had hanging around for a while.

Well, the event happened today. However we need to rewind to last night. "Could you please press the rewind button on your remote control?" Oh, sorry, we just got done watching 'The Upside Down Show' lol
Now, understand, I've been getting ready for today for over a month
It's not uncommon for my boys to stay up for as many as 2 hours playing after being put to bed. Unfortunately I don't have the space to separate them, so it happens.
Well, it just so happened, last night they were jumping and playing as usual, despite my fussing at them to knock it off, and suddenly I heard my 6 year old scream and cry like you would not believe!

Slightly irritated despite my concern, I went in to find him on the floor picking up his pillow, still howling. Apparently he was playing 'fall down' (whatever that is) and fell backward (from standing, of course) and his the back of his head on the wooden bedrail, then proceeded to roll off the bunk onto the floor.
Immediately he had a goose egg the size of a ping pong ball, and right in the middle was a 2 inch line, where the edge of the wood actually hit, which was purple, and on that purple line were 3 spots that were slowly bleeding- as if he had been poked with a pin in those spots.
His pupils were quite large, even in bright or on/off light.

I wasn't sure what to do other than keep him awake and call hubby, who, after some discussion, wound up coming home and coming to the ER with all of us.
We checked in at 2:40. We checked out 3:45.
We stopped at walmart trying to find me a tent/gazebo, cause the rain and hail from the day before made me realize I was screwed if it continued today.

We finally got home at 6. I needed to pack everything up, get the kids dressed, and drive the 30 minutes to Fishtail. Check-in was at 7.
When we got there around 8, I was glad to see that many other vendors were still working on their setup, and a couple were just getting started. Hubby and I got me set up, and I sat there sewing and mingling all day.... oh, and baking. My skin that is. As, not only did I forget the canopy til the last minute, I forgot the sunscreen completely.

So tonight, as I'm nursing my own blistering lower arms, tops of my ears, my whole neck, nose and cheeks, AND my lower lip, I'm completely and totally exhausted from no sleep last night and 7 hours of sun today, I'm extremely proud of myself for the $80 profit I brought home, and the new potential clients I met, and am now ready to go pass out in my bed.....right after I put the ice in the sink and the rag in the dirty clothes from the huge head gash Nicky just gave himself cracking his skull on his bed.
*sigh*

the circle of life

Ever been going through your day and something reminds you of a song from ages ago?

We bought Green Hornet on PPV the other night (I ♥ PPV cause I have a DVD recorder ;) I buy new movies for $4.99 instead of $20!) Anyhoo- in that movie Britt plays a record (yeah, an actual record HAHA) of "Gangsta's Paradise". (My God, how old is that song? LOL)

I only ever heard that song because a friend of mine was into rap when we were younger. But I was really surprised they focused part of the song in the movie where it goes-

"Tell me why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?"

As much as I'm not a fan of rap in general, but there are a few songs with good messages that I do enjoy. (And YAY for lack of foul language to boot! Good for you, Coolio!)
Anyway, that part of the song is just so huge. So powerful. And it can be taken out of the gangsta's paradise and put into any community for various reasons.
Whether it be with our marriage, our children, our family, or friends. Many times we forget that our actions don't just affect US as a single unit. The way I treat my child doesn't just affect my child- it affects me, the way people see me, the way people treat me. It affects the way my child treats other children and people, how my child responds to me in the future, and eventually the way they will treat their own children.

Everything affects everything. It's the circle of life. And sometimes we forget that.

Wake up call!

I don't like talking about other people's drama on here. I really don't.
But this is a topic I'm truly passionate about.

Family.

Marriage.

Whether you're 'legally' married or not, when you commit yourself to someone and agree to stand next to them for the rest of your life that means something. That means EVERYTHING.
Then, when you throw children into the mixture, it raises the stakes that much more.

Too many times I have seen, heard, read, and talked to people whose 'life partner' and them have decided one should go into the military or go off to school, or take a job that will keep them away from the house for a length of time, and during that time away, the partner at home has an affair.

So I'm going to lay it out in black and white. Since I can't bitch slap you face to face like you deserve.

GROW

UP

There is a giant, huge, incredible difference between a man and woman living together and one party falling out of love with the other, or treating the other badly, or just not giving the other any attention which drives the ignored party to cheat; and a man and a woman who both agree to have one party take this position away from the home for the betterment of the family and the other party cheating 'just because they're alone'.

When you and your partner make a joint decision that one of you is going to take a job for a company that is going to keep you away from your home, then it's your responsibility to be the lighthouse for them to come home to, the rock holding strong for them to cling to, and the arms for them to come home and wrap around them.
It is NOT a free pass to screw around.
It is NOT an opening for you to start texting with, talking to, or flirting with someone of the opposite sex.

I can certainly understand friendships with the opposite sex. Ironically, when my husband went to truck driving school for 6 weeks, then immediately into a position for another 6 weeks, I did find comfort in the friendship of another man. We hung out a lot, he became a very close friend to me. But we never crossed the line. We never even came close! We even slept in the same bed once, both fully clothed, with my 2 children in there with us. It was completely platonic. It just NEVER went there.

I made a commitment to my husband. And we discussed him taking that job before he left. So we both knew the reasons he was away from the house- to support our family. The plan was made, the dream was ahead of us- Owner Operator. He would eventually own his own truck and we could live in it, just us 4, and travel the country together.
Unfortunately after almost a year of driving, we were losing more than we were gaining. He just couldn't get the miles. So he had to come off the road and get a local job. But that's another story entirely.
The point is, during the 12 weeks I did not see him at all, and the 8 months following that I was lucky to see him for half a saturday a month, I NEVER, not one time even considered being with anyone else but him.

So why is it that I keep hearing these various stories of one person in the relationship going off to work, and the other one dropping this neglect bomb while they're gone, as their lame excuse for getting involved with someone else?

What happened to us? What happened to Americans? What happened to standing by our partner, for better or worse, thick and thin? What happened to commitment? Why are you SO reliant on others to validate you that you can't go 6 weeks without having that?
Or is it just sex? You can't go 6 weeks without sex? Give me a break.

GROW

UP

Realize that not only are you being completely selfish towards your partner, but you're also being selfish AND stupid when it comes to your children.

You're making a mistake.

You're screwing your life up.

You're screwing your child's life up.

And you can't get it back!

Once you've replaced that person- you can't expect them to take you back, so go into this affair assuming you've lost the other person completely, because more than likely you have.

Stop now before you do something you're going to regret.

Lyrics to Wake Up Call by Maroon 5

I didn't hear what you were saying.
I live on raw emotion baby
I answer questions never maybe
And I'm not kind if you betray me.
So who the hell are you to say we
Never would have made it babe.

[Bridge]
If you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What is coming now
So don’t say a word

[Chorus]
Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don't you care about me anymore?
Don’t you care about me? I don't think so.
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won't come around here anymore
Come around here? I don't think so.

Would have bled to make you happy
You didn't need to treat me that way
And now you beat me at my own game
And now I find you sleeping soundly
And your lovers screaming loudly
Hear a sound and hit the ground

[Bridge]
[Chorus]

I'm so sorry darling
Did I do the wrong thing?
Oh, what was I thinking?
Is his heart still beating?



Lyrics to Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

1st Chorus
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

2nd Chorus
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

I need a break before I break.

This last week has been a rough one.
Hubby has been working a lot, which leaves me alone with all 5 kids. For the majority of the time, this is not an issue. It's what I'm used to, I enjoy it. I have a lot of things I do for me, and a lot of things I do for them. I include them in some projects and chores for bonding time, and I exclude them from some crafts because I need my space too.

Last week I went to JoAnn's for crafting supplies. I just LOVE their $1 kids area! They have books, little toys, and crafts!
I grabbed each of them a new wooden mask because they finally had some new characters. I picked a crocodile for Tommy, a cowboy for each of the older boys, and a cowgirl for Sissy. After walking through the whole store, Nicky decided he didn't want a cowboy, he wanted a truck. The truck is not a mask, but it's a wooden item he can color, same thing really, just no eye holes!
I also got some make your own puppets! They are made from felt, and can be made by children with moderate supervision. They do require a glue gun, so adult participation is required there.

The kit comes with a thick string that the kids hand sew through the two puppet pieces. The holes are already prepunched. So we sat at the table and I gave each of the older 3 their puppets- Tommy was napping at the time. Nicky ... oh Nicky. Nicky had a crocodile. I showed him how to thread the pieces together, and explained to him that I wanted him to do the rest on his own. Within 2 stitches he was doing it wrong and knotting the thread.
Patiently I worked through this with him, showing him again how to do it.

Then my doctor's office called.

And that just screwed my entire mood up.
My doctor wants me to see a 'specialist' (aka neurosurgeon) before I follow back up with him. According to the nurse he can't diagnose me because something changed on my MRI from 2 years ago.
It's the same damn problem. It's just worse. I freaking know that.
But I have to see the neuro before he will see me again, which means I have to wait until then to get my FMLA paperwork for hubby's job. When I mentioned to the nurse that I NEED that paperwork so my husband can take off work to get me to these doctors appointments, her answer was that the doctor would write a letter to his HR department letting them know 'the diagnosis is pending a specialist review'.
SO that completely and totally ticked me off.
And I'm BAD about letting my mood affect how I treat my kids.
I know it's horrible. I know I shouldn't. I *SHOULD* just push my irritation to the side and go back to being mushy, gushy, easygoing mom... but it's hard. It's SO hard.

And my kids suffer for it.

I snapped at Nicky. Bad. I fussed at him, and bit his head off.
Over a puppet.
Over a stupid puppet.
Over HIS own puppet.
Because he didn't thread it right. Because he missed a hole. Because he pushed instead of pulling the thread. Because he made a knot.

What is wrong with me?
What kind of a bitch do I have to be to bite his head off instead of just telling him how incredibly proud of him I am?

I went in the other room, took a deep breath, and just cried.
And then I realized- there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not a bitch. Ok maybe I was BEING a bitch, but I am not "a" bitch.

I'm stressed. I need a break. I need a break from my kids. I need to breathe. I need to sit for more than 20 minutes without having to referee, cater to, or deal with my kids.

I'm still not sure if that makes me a horrible mother. I've been told that it's OK. It's OK to need a break. But it doesn't feel OK inside.

I have no problem with going out without my kids. Hubby and I took some dance classes a few months ago, which was a lot of fun! But the feeling that I need a break from my children... not that I have a dance class to go to- is hard to swallow.

I've decided that we'll go out for a few hours in a few weeks. I just need to call my sitters. I want to have one of them watch the two little ones, and a different one watch the 3 older ones. This way it's not so hard on one sitter. I just hope one of them can take their set to their house. That way it's not 2 people at my house with all 5 kids.

Blog break

Yeah, I took a break. The last 2 weeks have been insane. All I could do and can do is pray for our situation and trust God will unveil his plan to us.
Like I said in my last 'featured music' post, the reason for my stress belonged in its own posting. Well... here you go.

Wednesday, May 18th, Hubby and his partner were at work sitting down at their job site waiting for their third partner to show up with a hose. While they were waiting, their boss and foreman showed up. Without bothering to find out why they were sitting there, they told the guys to come with them to HR, but before they left, the foreman went to the phone to talk to one of the other guys on the crew. Once in HR, they were interrogated (separately). The supervisor and foreman's initial claim was that there was no safe access to the phone. Problem was the foreman used the phone, so if there truly was no safe access to it, then there should have been no way for him to do so. Since he was about to get himself in trouble, he sent the guys home- suspended pending further investigation- and called the house thursday telling hubby to come in friday afternooon for another meeting.

At that meeting, the safety issue was dropped, and out of nowhere they claimed hubby and his partner were sleeping when they arrived on site. Both denied it, since it wasn't true, but were interrogated some more, and told to come back monday afternoon for yet another meeting. On monday they laid a 'contract' in front of hubby that said he was on a 1 year probation, therefore the three-strike-rule no longer applied to him, and if they felt, for any reason in the next year, that his work is 'not up to par' they can fire him on the spot. He had to sign or be terminated immediately. So, reluctantly, he signed.
So they told him to come back to work Wednesday night. Miss monday and tuesday night, but come back on wednesday- the last day of his rotation.... then be off another 4 days.

Well, all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was having pain with nursing, and it was getting worse, so hubby offered to take me to the walk in clinic. We have FMLA paperwork that's supposed to cover anything wrong with me til end of June. So he called off Wednesday night to take me to Billings, with FMLA as his excuse. Thursday morning the HR lady called and told him he was going to be terminated because the FMLA became invalid after I delivered... despite the fact it's dated by the doctor to cover me til the end of June. But the nurse wrote 'after delivery she will need to be assessed by a different doctor' so they're using that statement to say I need ANOTHER set of paperwork from ANOTHER doctor to continue to qualify me for FMLA. And I have to get it in to them before his scheduled work time (MONDAY MORNING) or he'll be fired.
SO I had to get an appt with my regular doctor on the 26th, and HOPE he'd fill the paperwork out for me then.

BUT I have a good hunch that even if I DO get this paperwork filled out and turned in, he'll be lucky to get in a full 4 day rotation before they find some other B.S. reason to can him.
It's like they drew his and his partner's name out of a hat on Wednesday, and said "Let's screw their job all up today". And they've been pretty successful so far.

So, I had my doctor's appointment on the 26th, and my doctor wanted me to get another MRI on my back. And he refused to sign the paperwork until I had the MRI and came back for my follow up appointment.
I was crushed. I was so mad and sad at the same time. I sat at the checkout desk getting my appointment times, and started fighting back tears. My head was reeling and I felt sick. I couldn't dam up the waterworks any longer and I started bawling. I told the receptionist to just forget about the appointments because I couldn't go to them anyway, and excused myself.

I explained to hubby what the doctor said and apologized. I just didn't know what else to do.
So hubby got on the phone when we got home and talked to the head of the HR department for an hour or so. I went straight in and laid down for a nap. I was just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

Somehow hubby managed to convince them not to fire him immediately. They will wait for the FMLA paperwork. And so long as they get it and approve it, then I will be covered again, and they can't use FMLA as a reason to terminate him again..... hopefully.

I had my MRI Saturday the 4th. I go back to the doctor for the follow up on Thursday the 9th. And I'll have to sit there and listen to the doctor preach to me the importance of back surgery and how there's no other options. A fusion will change my life and I'll never have back pain again.
And maybe someday I'll poop rainbows. Who knows.