Balancing the Bipolar Chaos

Hubby helps out when he can. He works a lot too, but he does do things for me around the house if I ask him to. He doesnt' mind watching the kids, but he gets short tempered with them as well, so I try to keep them with me as much as possible. He's been better lately, but his job really stresses him out and he brings that home with him.
I'm sorry your husband is an extra child... sometimes Hubby is like that, but fortunately less often than not. I know when he IS like that, it's a total pain in the ass, so I can't imagine having to deal with that constantly.
I feel guilty about the computer too. I was really absorbed in CWCB last year, and it got to the point that I pretty much had a mental breakdown because of it piled on top of everything else. That's when I disappeared for about a month- I think it was in November. I just lost my grasp on everything. And I wanted to kill myself. I just couldn't do anything it felt like. So I went to the hospital for about a week. And I HATE the hospital... with a burning passion. I can't say that it helped me completely. All I did while I was there was worry about my kids- but the break from having to take care of them 24 hours a day WAS helpful. Then when I came home I forced myself to stay away from the computer for another week... which actually turned into about 3 weeks LOL It was just nice not thinking about it. I felt like I had my own family to think about, but then had this online 'family' consisting of many of the CWCB girls that I was constantly thinking about as well. I was spreading myself too thin, and I got scared to jump back in.
But, I finally came back, and just pace myself. I try not to let myself just sit at the computer all day long. I break up my time. I even lost interest in CWCB for the last few months. I'll pop in here and there and do some reading, but with all the bullshit and drama and people fighting about dumb shit and whining about dumb shit, I just lost interest. Course- that's the bipolar in me. Losing interest in things that were once important.
I have considered putting my older 2 in public school. Sissy, my oldest, did go to PS in Kindergarten. Bubby would have started PS Kindy this past fall, but since I decided to homeschool I didn't have to enroll him through the state until this fall. PS Kindy starts at age 6, HS Kindy starts at age 7.
I'm really torn about school for several reasons. #1 I HAAAAAAAAAAATE the principal here. HATE her. Sissy is on the autism spectrum- she's high functioning, but has trouble with the social/emotional parts. She has meltdowns at the tiniest little thing. She can't help it though. However, this principal, at the end of the school year when I went in to pick up Sissy's stuff, told me that she was 'spoiled' and 'throws a fit anytime she doesnt' get what she wants'. I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. So I took her out and we've been homeschooling the last 2 years- she'll be going into third grade this fall.
Bubby has dyspraxia, which causes a lot of problems for him. Being that the speech therapist had never even heard of dyspraxia I am terrified of putting him into PS.... especially with this bitch of a principal. I mean, if she thinks an autistic meltdown is 'throwing a spoiled temper tantrum' what is she going to think of Bubby when he starts crying because he is so frustrated with himself when he can't write a letter properly. His muscles don't work right, and the signals between his brain and his nerves don't travel very fast. He can't hold his urine or stool, so when he says he has to go to the bathroom it's because he's about to pee on himself. And I know for a fact that the principal and teachers are pretty strict about bathroom breaks. I can't just let him go there and come home with accidents every other day because they are stupid abotu letting him go to the freaking bathroom.
So yeah ... I think for *ME* it would be better if my kids were in public school, but for them... it would be horrible. Not to mention with homeschool I dont' have to get up at 6AM. I HATE getting up early. It's just not my 'thing' lol. I'm too much of a night owl. And it's like, it doesn't matter if I go to bed at 10PM or 3AM, I still get up at the same time every day. Occasionally I'll wake up early just cause something woke me up and I decided to stay up, but the majority of the time 9AM-10AM is my wake up time, no matter when I go to bed. If I CAN get up earlier than that I can be a bitch.
I had to stop stressing about structure and perfection as well. It IS getting easier- so be optimistic about that. If the dishes aren't done at bedtime, it's OK. If the laundry gets behind, we'll survive. If I forget to vacuum today, no big deal. Everything can be done tomorrow. And you know what- my kids are stil happy and healthy no matter what. Whether I'm a total bitch to them because I"m stressed about chores, or whether I'm lax about my chores and am nicer to them- they're healthy and OK both ways.... they're just happier with a nicer mommy. They are more relaxed as well becaues I'm not breathing down their throat about cleaning their rooms, or disappointing them because I'm never able to do this or that with them because I HAVE to clean this or that.
It's SO much more important that I do GOOD things with THEM before I scrub the toilet. The house is a little messier, a little more cluttered, a little more disorganized, but honestly, I'm not the cleanest person in the world anyway, I'm not the most organized person in the world anyway, I was forcing myself to conform to this structure in order to keep up with this mental vision of how I *SHOULD* be. I was definitely putting a spotless house above a happy relationship with my kids, and nobody was ever happy. My kids were never happy cause I was always an uptight bitch, and I was never happy because I was always an uptight bitch. I was constantly stressed because there just weren't enough hours in the day to clean the house AND play with my kids. Something had to give. Something HAS to give.
I'm still trying to find a happy medium between everything. It's still chaotic around here, and I'm still not balanced. But I'm better. And better is good.