I need a break before I break.

This last week has been a rough one.
Hubby has been working a lot, which leaves me alone with all 5 kids. For the majority of the time, this is not an issue. It's what I'm used to, I enjoy it. I have a lot of things I do for me, and a lot of things I do for them. I include them in some projects and chores for bonding time, and I exclude them from some crafts because I need my space too.

Last week I went to JoAnn's for crafting supplies. I just LOVE their $1 kids area! They have books, little toys, and crafts!
I grabbed each of them a new wooden mask because they finally had some new characters. I picked a crocodile for Tommy, a cowboy for each of the older boys, and a cowgirl for Sissy. After walking through the whole store, Nicky decided he didn't want a cowboy, he wanted a truck. The truck is not a mask, but it's a wooden item he can color, same thing really, just no eye holes!
I also got some make your own puppets! They are made from felt, and can be made by children with moderate supervision. They do require a glue gun, so adult participation is required there.

The kit comes with a thick string that the kids hand sew through the two puppet pieces. The holes are already prepunched. So we sat at the table and I gave each of the older 3 their puppets- Tommy was napping at the time. Nicky ... oh Nicky. Nicky had a crocodile. I showed him how to thread the pieces together, and explained to him that I wanted him to do the rest on his own. Within 2 stitches he was doing it wrong and knotting the thread.
Patiently I worked through this with him, showing him again how to do it.

Then my doctor's office called.

And that just screwed my entire mood up.
My doctor wants me to see a 'specialist' (aka neurosurgeon) before I follow back up with him. According to the nurse he can't diagnose me because something changed on my MRI from 2 years ago.
It's the same damn problem. It's just worse. I freaking know that.
But I have to see the neuro before he will see me again, which means I have to wait until then to get my FMLA paperwork for hubby's job. When I mentioned to the nurse that I NEED that paperwork so my husband can take off work to get me to these doctors appointments, her answer was that the doctor would write a letter to his HR department letting them know 'the diagnosis is pending a specialist review'.
SO that completely and totally ticked me off.
And I'm BAD about letting my mood affect how I treat my kids.
I know it's horrible. I know I shouldn't. I *SHOULD* just push my irritation to the side and go back to being mushy, gushy, easygoing mom... but it's hard. It's SO hard.

And my kids suffer for it.

I snapped at Nicky. Bad. I fussed at him, and bit his head off.
Over a puppet.
Over a stupid puppet.
Over HIS own puppet.
Because he didn't thread it right. Because he missed a hole. Because he pushed instead of pulling the thread. Because he made a knot.

What is wrong with me?
What kind of a bitch do I have to be to bite his head off instead of just telling him how incredibly proud of him I am?

I went in the other room, took a deep breath, and just cried.
And then I realized- there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not a bitch. Ok maybe I was BEING a bitch, but I am not "a" bitch.

I'm stressed. I need a break. I need a break from my kids. I need to breathe. I need to sit for more than 20 minutes without having to referee, cater to, or deal with my kids.

I'm still not sure if that makes me a horrible mother. I've been told that it's OK. It's OK to need a break. But it doesn't feel OK inside.

I have no problem with going out without my kids. Hubby and I took some dance classes a few months ago, which was a lot of fun! But the feeling that I need a break from my children... not that I have a dance class to go to- is hard to swallow.

I've decided that we'll go out for a few hours in a few weeks. I just need to call my sitters. I want to have one of them watch the two little ones, and a different one watch the 3 older ones. This way it's not so hard on one sitter. I just hope one of them can take their set to their house. That way it's not 2 people at my house with all 5 kids.